“When it comes to sexuality, like so many things, only the
truth will set you free.”
This quote stopped me in my tracks as I was reading an
article last night.
Including the old adage ‘the truth will set you free’ felt a
bit cliché until I reminded myself that I am someone who has to be open and
honest. Always. When I do not express my own truth, I become bogged down; and
recently that has definitely been the case for me. I am in a sort of mental
trap, reaching out here and there to express myself to a few, but not feeling
brave enough to stand strong in my identity. I just want to find some inner
peace and mental freedom by communicating who I am right now. I know that
finding comfort in who I am is not reliant on me making a public announcement,
but I think if I just take my jumbled words that have filled my head each and
every day, and just finally write them down, the visual reality of the words
will empower me. Maybe.
It’s time I come out.
Now, I definitely do not need a label. I am honestly still
sorting that out for myself, and I am an ever-changing creation. Human
sexuality is such a complex idea and I am not about to say that I am gay,
because that is not accurate for me. But even with various terms these days
that fit under the category of Fluid Nature-- asexual, pansexual, aromantic,
demisexual, gray-asexual-- none of that really seems quite accurate for me
either. What I am saying is that I am definitely not straight.
I do not know where I fit, but what I do know is that I
think people are Beautiful, both inside and out, no matter their gender. It’s
the soul that counts. It’s the light that someone shines simply by being his,
her, or their genuine self that I am attracted to. I’m a Soul Lover.
That being said, I have never been able to fully give myself
to a man. And perhaps I never will be able to. But I’ve felt a comfort and
attraction to women since I was a little girl that I have always kept separate
from my identity, and hidden from my loved ones (though perhaps my mom has
always understood that and read me in a way that others have not, or that even
I could not). I completely accept others for who they are, whom they are
attracted to, and whom they choose to be with, but have been unable to fully accept
myself.
Why? Well, I pride myself on being unique, eccentric, and a
bit odd to a certain degree, but in the end I just want to fit in. Labels make
everything easier, and fitting into a binary is even easier. I’ve tried to go
for simple, easy, and expected, both to feel “normal” and to make others proud.
I want to feel comfortable and accepted. Aren’t I suppose to find myself a good
man, let him sweep me off my feet, fall in love, say I do, recite my vows, have
his kids, and live happily ever after?
Well, I do not see myself in that story line.
I am becoming more okay with this because I want to breathe
easy, live life to the full, and find a love story that is true for me. And
guess what? I am still whole-heartedly loved and accepted by God for this. I
don’t have to give myself to a man on earth if it does not feel right, because
my life is already being given to the man Jesus Christ. And That feels good to
say. That is my truth.
My dear friend shared these words with me in response to my
coming out and I think they are worthy of being written down. Perhaps they will
speak to more than just myself:
“Do not let your heart be troubled.
Rest in God’s incredible love for you. Seek truth, and be honest with yourself
and those who truly love you.”
<3
Where I am going from here I do not know, but for anyone out
there dealing with the same questions, concerns, and uncertainties, just know
that you are not alone.
I have to remind myself of this as well: I am not alone.
And I am strong.
And I am ME.
And I am a Soul Lover set free.
