I am in the process of determining who I am meant to be.
I wonder to what extent the result Is up to me.
When I take a deep breath I see a Banyan tree,
Aerial roots extending from Earth to sky, a star stained night, the moon’s light cast.
In order to understand and see, there is much that I must look past,
Even more I must look within. A nuance of grey shades I mustn’t ignore.
Another identity is reflected by my eyes, too often rejected and despised,
Drowned by an inner battle against self that God implores be spared,
A shadow coiled inside of me that I often dare not share.
She is trying to break free. She is trying to thrive.
I’ve been dreaming about arachnophobia.
Trapped by a web of thoughts, my senses are haunted by spiders.
They lace my hair around my throat and discover home throughout my veins.
I feel the spinners trickle down my spine
Like a broken faucet,
Thirsting for not quite human blood.
I could be an alien. I’m crawling out from the mud.
When I dance alone in my room I instinctively move my lengthy limbs.
My arms and legs bend and twine in a furious trill,
A spiral maneuver, like octopus tentacles,
Forming a cephalopod sphere to make the outside world disappear.
In my underwater freedom I unwind as I please
Swimming in my own web woven tears, an unseemingly waltz, where comfort’s fear interferes no more.
As Sufjan composed curiosity pulses my ears,
I discover in my underworld an enchanted mirror,
The voice of Ascension upon me, I now look and see, ‘Tis my truest self reflected so that I can be free.
A green skeletal mermaid with spider’s legs and the face of a deer,
Goddess of Neith, her reflection both sinister and clear,
Her ancient mane of white waves flowing from beginning to end, ancient locks that frame her indigo irises, my own shadow’s mirrors unveil the pearl I’d dove to see, a widow living in a tree, with a web woven sense to mend.
A creative with such power, to no one would she cower,
This me from my past I never could show,
Undine now observed as both siren and doe.
My slow sensual integration I shall dare not let go.
A wake of unsought energy ensues as I make my way back
To the shoreline of home, where I wish to sit upon my totem’s throne.
A sacred, sculpted symbol for my shadow’s impetuous, sodden soul.
I watch divine love patterned in all surrounding waters
And sense God’s eternal love for all of history’s and future’s daughters.
I experience a sudden heat wave of golden fire.
As if with my lover enflamed by tantric desire.
My inner turmoil no longer aware,
My dance with shadow did cast out despair,
For my initiation with Undine and Neith committed yin and yang together,
A silver pair by God’s Grace, no awareness could be better.
The spider and eye have always been one
To remain as our undying, holy sun,
Who surely designed this path that is me.
Above, under, and inside, a thriving Banyan tree.
All of me all along in the soil.
Upon this discovery I take another deep breath, release, and uncoil.
