An Odd Contradiction

An Odd Contradiction

[Musings from my journal: Tea Bar, NW Portland, October 9th, 2017.]

We are constantly seeking happiness, comfort, and an “easy-breezy” feeling—yet the stories that we cling onto the most are redemptive, heroic, painful, and complicated.

We are torn up by the elements of tragedy, yet captivated.

 We like to feel bad for ourselves and we prefer to be at the bottom so we can eventually say we came out on top. It’s an odd contradiction. *

At the root of any story is the need for nourishment. We encounter Struggle and Growth. And though we seek and fear both, we cannot avoid Love or Death.

There is a push and pull in my soul.

I am an odd contradiction.

I love people.

I am indifferent to people.

I want all things leafy and green.

I want all the treats.

I believe in fairies.

I am a skeptic.

I am obsessed with books.

I haven’t finished a book in weeks.

I want the beauty of foliage.

I hope for the rain to go away.

I love the sun.

I can’t handle the heat.

I want to be alone.

I want to be with you.

I pray for no more pain.

I am prideful of my pain.

I wish to stand out.

I do not want to be seen.

I intend to finish this list.

I don’t.

*Inspired by page 226 of the novel “Aleph” by Paulo Coelho

            “I cannot cure despair when people find comfort in it.”

Breathing

There is a chill in the air. Very quickly tiny bumps form and the hairs on my arms become more visible. I did not notice the air conditioning until just now.

I’ve been overheated for weeks,

Constantly serving and working

To keep a flame ignited.

I am relieved to have an opportunity to rest with my thoughts that come in waves—to feel the air caress my skin.

I take a deep breath and allow that same air to fill my lungs and soften the tension that infiltrates every muscle and fiber; an extended dip in a pool, head under, without the fear of drowning. My right foot begins to vibrate and becomes numb.

I think it’s falling asleep. That must be where my intelligence lies because sleep is exactly what I need—to forget the outside world for an extended period of time and heal myself through full relaxation.

I’m shaking. The cold is becoming uncomfortable. Breathing feels unnatural.

As I give this time to myself I become aware that it feels wrong, like I am naked in a room of people who pretend to be deep in conversation. I am vulnerable to their judgment in my choice to befriend the wind. Maybe I should take caution.

The air whispers, “No, be brave. Be you. And just put on a sweater.”

We’ll embrace in a hug.

And in that moment I find within myself the thing that exists called love.

Grey Anomaly

Dear Anomaly,

I want to live by black and white. Simple. Clear. Balanced.

But I love the greys.

Therein lie the curiosities and the beautiful

Haunting fog of emotions and unforeseen sparks.

I preserve the brilliance and luster within

Because I cannot bear to release anything short of perfection. 

But brilliance is not perfect; it’s truth—

And luster is not perfect; it’s life. It’s light. It’s me.

I cannot expect to be black and white.

If I am only intentional than I will filter what could be.

Perfection aside, I long to embrace the authentic me,

Creams, greys, and smog combined, to paint my world
In neutral. Even in the smudges I will be seen.
In an Epistle to myself, I will be heard.

Brilliance and luster. Dearth and shadow.

And I will drink my unfiltered loose-leaf tea of

Earl grey, lavender, and rosemary.

Take out an envelope and pen, and then

Ruminate.

Let the herbs infiltrate my system as I meditate on the
Aromatic sweetness.

Herbs transform into a cluster of charcoal words,
Earnestly transferred to blank pages to be folded then
Enclosed.

Star-like imagery. Dark interior.

I love the greys. Complex. Hazy. Eccentric.

But I want to live by black and white.

Soul Lover

“When it comes to sexuality, like so many things, only the truth will set you free.”

This quote stopped me in my tracks as I was reading an article last night.

Including the old adage ‘the truth will set you free’ felt a bit cliché until I reminded myself that I am someone who has to be open and honest. Always. When I do not express my own truth, I become bogged down; and recently that has definitely been the case for me. I am in a sort of mental trap, reaching out here and there to express myself to a few, but not feeling brave enough to stand strong in my identity. I just want to find some inner peace and mental freedom by communicating who I am right now. I know that finding comfort in who I am is not reliant on me making a public announcement, but I think if I just take my jumbled words that have filled my head each and every day, and just finally write them down, the visual reality of the words will empower me. Maybe.

It’s time I come out.

Now, I definitely do not need a label. I am honestly still sorting that out for myself, and I am an ever-changing creation. Human sexuality is such a complex idea and I am not about to say that I am gay, because that is not accurate for me. But even with various terms these days that fit under the category of Fluid Nature-- asexual, pansexual, aromantic, demisexual, gray-asexual-- none of that really seems quite accurate for me either. What I am saying is that I am definitely not straight.

I do not know where I fit, but what I do know is that I think people are Beautiful, both inside and out, no matter their gender. It’s the soul that counts. It’s the light that someone shines simply by being his, her, or their genuine self that I am attracted to. I’m a Soul Lover.

That being said, I have never been able to fully give myself to a man. And perhaps I never will be able to. But I’ve felt a comfort and attraction to women since I was a little girl that I have always kept separate from my identity, and hidden from my loved ones (though perhaps my mom has always understood that and read me in a way that others have not, or that even I could not). I completely accept others for who they are, whom they are attracted to, and whom they choose to be with, but have been unable to fully accept myself.

Why? Well, I pride myself on being unique, eccentric, and a bit odd to a certain degree, but in the end I just want to fit in. Labels make everything easier, and fitting into a binary is even easier. I’ve tried to go for simple, easy, and expected, both to feel “normal” and to make others proud. I want to feel comfortable and accepted. Aren’t I suppose to find myself a good man, let him sweep me off my feet, fall in love, say I do, recite my vows, have his kids, and live happily ever after?

Well, I do not see myself in that story line.

I am becoming more okay with this because I want to breathe easy, live life to the full, and find a love story that is true for me. And guess what? I am still whole-heartedly loved and accepted by God for this. I don’t have to give myself to a man on earth if it does not feel right, because my life is already being given to the man Jesus Christ. And That feels good to say. That is my truth.

My dear friend shared these words with me in response to my coming out and I think they are worthy of being written down. Perhaps they will speak to more than just myself:

“Do not let your heart be troubled. Rest in God’s incredible love for you. Seek truth, and be honest with yourself and those who truly love you.”

                                                                        <3

Where I am going from here I do not know, but for anyone out there dealing with the same questions, concerns, and uncertainties, just know that you are not alone.

I have to remind myself of this as well: I am not alone.

And I am strong.

And I am ME.

And I am a Soul Lover set free.