Swimmer’s Dance

 I feel heavy today.

An unseen pressure taking residence upon my homebody.

Will this resulting restraint end? Will I ever feel the freedom to fly again?

I must admit I am in a state of depression, melded to my seat,

Awaiting tragedy, apathetic to life. I want out of this poor me feeling.

Sensitive to the sorrow and overwhelm of others. Packing everything up as my own.

I know I can let this all go and I will. One day.

But right now time is spiraling out of control, 

And no matter the moments of soul satisfying stillness,

Where I find myself floating above a ravine 

Into divine nothingness,

I am right back here in this gravity.

That’s God for you.

What do I do about this life? How do I be about this life?

There must be more. I’m Jonah, trapped in the whale of my mind,

Overthinking the waters of life.

Fear pulls me down into a blue abyss,

Where I choose to lean on substances or other’s energies to endure the kilter.

I’ve got to get out of my head before I mentally drown.

If I commit to the flow will I lose myself, swept up in a tidal wave?

I am saturated in salt water tears, forming an ocean of bittersweet reverie.

Perhaps my dissolve into these waters is the solution.

It’s August and I am falling into a deep inferno of confusion

For how to keep being a human rather than a bird.

In reverie of planes and soaking in the surrounding foliage

As though Autumn is upon us.

Do the trees weep as their leaves fall?

For this death I witness is actually beautiful and inspires me to keep breathing

And writing and doing and being.

Each moment drifting into something I feel I shall never get back.

An ever-changing spiral of words I aim to grasp

And understanding I wish to attain.

Yet time sews this Fibonacci life web eternally.

I am forever in this now.

Alone, nothing at all, and simultaneously connected to the divine everything.

A car slowly passes by with the windows rolled down.

Their resounding music halts my musings

As Tears for Fears hits my nerves then reaches my ears,

“Something happens and I’m head over heels…”

A song about love that I have always held dear. 

Music continues to save me and bring me to the present.

The heaviness almost dissipates and I become lighter on my feet,

Swaying to the lyrics lingering in my mind,

Taking form to my body.

I am now the ocean, awake to the depth of my sorrow.

Embracing the heaviness that empathy often brings,

I flow through a space of ephemeral melancholy with Sophia, the soul of wisdom.

She holds my hand as we twirl with time

In a swimmer’s dance.

Heaviness still, but in the letting go flow.