Embracing My Old Self

I am not static. As a human I am made of radiant light and shadow, with a myriad of intertwining facets, some consistent and some ever changing, some revealed and some yet to be discovered. There is something to be said about being able to recognize who you were in the past, who you are in the present, and in what ways both versions of you are the same or different now and in comparison to each other.

Growth is important and we should avoid entrapment by feelings of nostalgia or regret from that which has already occurred, but we must not lose the child-like wander and curiosity from our past. As we age and become adults, we experience more responsibility, freedom, and the amazing ability to think more deeply and live more intentionally. There is a drawback to this though, and that is the stigma of what it means to be an adult- to “grow up”, be reasonable, contribute to society in a “normal” and productive way, seek security… etc. etc. etc.
 And though I do find an importance in each of those facets of being an “adult”, that should not include becoming a dolt.

If we disregard our beautiful, fun, innocent, and instinctual child-like curiosity (the natural tendency toward creativity, innovation, exploration, and simple, spontaneous decision making, rather than over thinking everything) than what is the good in that? We should fully embrace our old self and even allow ourselves to revert to who we once were, before we discovered fear and all that fear encompasses and limits us from creating and accomplishing.

When thinking about embracing my old self, I am reminded of a brilliant book that I read titled, “Women Who Run With the Wolves”; its stories of lore and archetypes resonated deeply with me. The author recognizes the self that exists within us (not just for women, but men too) that contains more wild and instinctual tendencies that are natural, powerful, and dynamic; but this self (or soul) becomes increasingly more difficult to recognize and follow, as it is diminished by society and the idea that we must fit in and act in a certain “civilized” (boring!) way, when it actually could be more productive to society to follow a more instinctual, mindful, creative, wild path in life, like a child who prefers to colour outside of the lines, or chooses to forego the page altogether and instead chooses a blank wall to draw an abstract mural upon.



“Women Who Run With the Wolves” also introduces the idea of Life/Death/Life, in which we must allow certain parts of ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our choices and thoughts, our insecurities and fears, to die off, so that new life can blossom inside of us. This is what happens naturally as we grow older, but instead of just ignoring who we once were- forgetting any mistakes we made, or even that which once worked for us that we assume cannot be incorporated into our new adult life- what if we were to embrace who we once were, acknowledge that which had to die, and be grateful for that? We can hold our own internal funeral to honour the past, remember what first brought us life, and feed ourselves similar nutrients to support a new life within us that reflects the past life and celebrates that which is new within our soul.

 Death does not have to be something that we fear, especially when there is something in our soul that must die for new life to spring- such as beautiful autumn leaves falling from the trees. Embracing the old self is giving the old you a genuine embrace- a hug of sorts- thanking Time for removing the parts of you that no longer bring meaning in your life. It’s as though the old self is shed, cremated, and then dispersed among wild flowers and riverbanks; the rest kept safely in a jar to be displayed in an archive of letters, books, and paintings. Time gently pushes us to move forward as a beautiful mixture of what once was and what will be.

When I embrace the old me I climb a tree, read a book, write and draw whatever I want, refuse to brush my hair or match my clothes, stop to smell the roses, ignore fear and what others think of me, and appreciate each little moment that I have to share with those I love.